Unsure if you should “open” the door to divorce. Consider discernment therapy.

To get a divorce in California, you need to allege “grounds”. (FC §2310)

The most common allegation is “irreconcilable differences”. That’s one person stating the marriage is completely and finally broken down and nothing would restore it. No counseling. No trial separation. No passage of time. In short, there’s just no hope of getting back together.

Divorce is a big step and a huge personal decision, especially for couples who have been together a long time or have children.

In my experience as a family law attorney, I’ve had many conversations where someone is trying to decide whether they should get a divorce. As an attorney, my prospective is legal, not emotional, and family law is extremely emotional. I wish I knew then what I know now about discernment therapy, so I could have presented it as an option.

Discernment therapy is an alternative path that empowers couples to carefully evaluate their relationship before making a final decision on whether to divorce, remain together, or try couples therapy.

What is Discernment Therapy?

Discernment therapy is a short-term counseling process designed specifically for couples who question whether to stay together. It is not traditional couples therapy.

Often, one partner is leaning toward divorce (the "leaning out" partner), while the other is inclined to save the marriage (the "leaning in" partner).

The purpose of this therapy is not to repair the marriage right away, but to guide both partners in deciding whether to work on their relationship or pursue divorce.

When is Discernment Therapy the right choice?

Only you can decide. In my opinion discernment therapy is not right for someone in a dangerous, abusive situation. The cost factor aside, it is likely right when either (1) You are unsure whether to continue in the marriage or get a divorce. (2) You’ve been in couples therapy, but haven’t seen significant progress. Or, (3) You need a safe space to discuss concerns with professional guidance.

Benefits of discernment therapy

Rather than entering the court system prematurely, couples who take the time to explore their feelings through discernment therapy often find that they can avoid unnecessary litigation and/or approach a divorce with greater clarity and less hostility.

Divorce is a highly emotional process. Sound decisions are rarely made with heightened emotions.

Discernment therapy not only helps with emotional processing, but it also increases the likelihood of informed decision-making, minimizes conflict and animosity, and provides a safe space to explore options about your relationship.

An OC discernment therapist- If you’d like to know more about discernment therapy, it’s best to check in with an expert. I learned about discernment therapy from Courtney Shen DeShetler, PSYD.

Here’s a link to information on her website about her therapy process including discernment therapy-

https://socalcouplestherapy.com/overview/online-couples-therapy

Remember, it’s your life. You’ve got options. Explore and find out what’s right for you!